One Thousand Gifts

12. Baby smiles

13. Baby open mouthed grins

14. Sly winky-eyed pirate smiles from the girls.

15. The joy my little ones bring to others.
16. Dairy-free pumpkin pie
17. Being mothered at the Thanksgiving meal because I had mastitis again.
18. Two naps without having to worry about baby care.
19. Singing Praise and Worship at the farm

20. A three legged orange and white kitten that found a home with someone who wanted her more than any other kitty
21. Hugs
22. Watching Nana kiss my babies and tease my husband

23. Never having been in want of anything
24. Snuggling with farm kittens

25.Derek-swaddled babies
26. The ability to capture a moment with a camera.
27. Lactation consultants
28. Music.
29. The Sense of Taste

Breastfeeding Part 8: Milk-Free Holidays

We tried the breast milk that I had pumped that was full of cow's milk products on the girls on Sunday.  The results? Instant fussiness that only a warm bath soothed for Aeralind and projectile vomiting from Bronwyn. Based on further research I would say that the girls definitely don't have a milk allergy but rather a milk sensitivity, so this thing should disappear before they are one.  The plan for the moment is to go another month milk free and try some high fat milk product like cheddar cheese (drool) to see what happens.  For me that means milk-free holidays.

Have you every thought about all the dairy products in a holiday meal? Butter and milk in your mashed potatoes. Butter in your stuffing.  Cheese and milk in the broccoli casserole. Ice cream.  Butter in pie crusts and milk in my personal favorite pumpkin pie. Sigh. 

Having just come from thanksgiving at the farm with our beloved Nana, I'm here to say, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I had a delightful plate of turkey, sweet potato casserole, salad, a roll, and some jello salad. And to top it all off, Nana made me a dairy-free pumpkin pie.  I love that woman! Nana is such a blessing to us!

In other news, the girls have started to smile socially! They loved being passed around all afternoon and making faces at each new person.

Multitude Monday

I mentioned recently that one of my biggest temptations is to sprint: to go through life quickly competing for some elusive piece of perfection. Being unable to obtain that perfection gives me a terrible tendency to complain about everything from my circumstances to the way God works.
 Romans 1:21 says "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened" (emphasis mine). I get stuck at this verse every time I read it for it answers such a huge question: What does God expect of me? Similarly, it answers the first question of the Westminster Shorter Catechism: What is the chief end of man? To glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.  How can I enjoy God without intentional thanksgiving? How can I quit complaining without intentional thanksgiving?

I recently stumbled upon Ann Voskamp's reflective blog. Ann and other member of her Gratitude Community, keep lists of the little blessings found in each day, the little moments where Jesus whispers "I love you." And I shall join them, knowing that doing so will give me greater joy in Him.





1. warm fall days fit for walking slowly in conversation with one another
2. the contented smile that plays on Derek's lips when he sees us after he comes home
3. circle skirts on a girl who still loves a good twirl
4. oatmeal cookies from a friend who knew I'd be hungry when I stopped by (dairy-free too!)
5. answered prayers of soothing when I needed a rest from a crying baby
6. my first smiles from both of the girls and the pure joy they elicited
7. pumpkins, their cheery orangeness, their tasty baked goods
8. snuggling with my warm husband as the nights cool off
9. a messy house reminding me that I've been spending more time loving in the moment than be concerned about appearances
10. excess to give away even if the money seems tight
11. provision: even when I'm not certain where it'll come from
12. healthy crying babies wanting to be held close

Mama Loves: Cloth Diapering Twins

I cloth diaper the my sweet girls.  I know what you're thinking... "She must be crazy!"  Maybe I am, but you probably already knew that. Of course, I'm not that crazy; we did not cloth diaper for about the first 6 weeks.  We used disposables that were given to us at baby shower in sizes preemie-size 1.  I actually still have one pack of Size 1's, but my girls legs are so thin that I imagine a foul blowout every time I put on this particular brand (Nature's Babycare).

I use BumGenius One Size 3.0s. I made this choice based on research and the fact that I could register for them on Target.com. Between Target gift cards and Visa gift cards that I spent at Cotton Babies (which has the best prices I found at them time), my cloth diaper expenses where a whopping 99 cents. 

I have 36 diapers and I wash everyday; the frequency of washing is due to my very small diaper pail, otherwise I could probably wash every other evening and hang to dry for the next morning.

Here's a little Bum Genius One Size 3.0 Review for you:

Cons:

• Quite bulky in my diaper bag. Two diapers fit well, but if I want to be out for a long long time four would be pushing it while sharing space with multiple burp clothes and bibs (yay, reflux!) There will be more space when they outgrow reflux.
• They get a little smelly after a few washes, though it's less smelly or not smelly at all if you're able to sun dry them.
• They require a little more work in the middle of the night with rinsing and separating the parts to prepare to wash them.
• I'm never quite sure what to do with disposable wipes. At home I put the used ones in an old wipes container on the changing table and empty that when necessary.  In public, it gets a little weird.  I've made resuable wipes but I'm still using the gifted wipes.
• Some people I know are freaked out by washing away human refuse in the same machine that they clean their clothing.
• Diaper Rash ointment could stain them and make them less effective at absorbing.
• You have to remember to put the velcro tabs on the laundry tabs before washing otherwise the velcro will wear out faster and your diapers will be a huge mess when you pull them out of the washer.
  
• Re-stuffing the diapers is pretty time consuming, though I try to do it while feeding the girls to make up the time difference.
• More expensive up front. (use those gift cards to your advantage!)
  
• Your babies may outgrown clothing sizes at a quicker rate because of the added bulk.
• I had to wait until the girls reached 7lbs before I could use them so all those preemie/newborn diapers were a necessity!
  

Pros:

• Cheaper in the long term. The main reason I chose cloth was because it's cheaper than the potential $1600+  a year to use disposables. The main reason I chose a One-Size diaper was because it's even cheaper than buying multiple sizes as needed.
• They have a decent resale value either at Cotton Babies or through a MoM club or an online forum or even Craigslist. So if you paid nothing for them like me... you'll actually get paid to get rid of them! Or you'll make up about 1/2 of your initial investment.
• You can use them for multiple children (i.e. your second set of twins) or children wearing different sizes.
• BGs are so much like disposables that even church nursery workers who didn't receive a tutorial (oops) figured then out easily. Dad doesn't mind changing them either.
• The velcro makes changing quick!
• The fabric feels so soft against baby's skin.
• Just like a disposable the baby doesn't realize she's wet as quickly.  I was given a couple of cotton cloth diapers and plastic covers, and my little Aeralind screamed to be changed as soon as she peed in them, but not with the BGs.
  
• Your baby's bottom actually looks cute (and will be cuter when they can run around in a t-shirt and diaper during the summer).
• Unlike disposables there are some great colors to chose from! I really like Zinnia, Clementine, and Moonbeam.
  

You might still think I'm crazy, but I think cloth diapers were a great investment for our family!

No Calorie Baby Candy

My dear friend Jenn (aka San Diego) gave me these great coordinating but not matching outfits for the girls. Since it seems like all I own in the 0-3 month range is pink, these two outfits are by far my favorites!  I have nothing against pink unlike my husband, I'm just a wee bit tired of the lack of options :-p

My little girls are getting so big! They've almost doubled their birth weights in two months!

Both of them can hold their heads up for about 60-90 seconds. Their head control is jerky during that time and they have to lay down their head for 2-5 seconds before going at it again. It's also pretty exhausting and calorie consuming work.  After this little photo shoot they napped for about 15 minutes and then demanded to be fed 45 minutes early.  Yikes!

A few more of my favorites:

Breastfeeding Part 7: Cabbage Leaves

It seams that for every minor step forward on the breastfeeding front, I'm bound to have a major setback.  Well, folks, lets just say I have a cabbage leaf in my bra.

My major concern with doing the 3 am feeding by breast has always had to do with the amount of milk I pump at that hour.  Seriously, I've regularly pumped 16 + ounces at that feeding, a whole pint!  That is at least two whole feedings for the girls! So this weekend when I decided to give it a whirl, I was pleasantly surprised that I neither woke up in a puddle each morning nor felt particularly engorged.  Sweet!

Monday morning I had the hardest time falling asleep after the girls at the middle of the night feed. I was freezing and my heater husband was somehow either evading me or not nearly warm enough. I noticed a tender spot on the left breast and assumed I had another plugged duct.  I worked it out while Aeralind ate her next meal. When I got up, all my joints were achy like I had the flu.  I was so scared that I'd already given a nasty bug to the girls.  But then I noticed a red splotch all across my poor breast: Mastitis.

So here I am on a regiment of ibuprofen, heating pad before nursing, pumping after nursing to make sure they got it all, and a cabbage leaf in my bra (feels so good!). I've pumped the night feeding again the last few nights and while my body has adjusted to their demands rather well... it still has to make a little less.

Forgive me for all the breastfeeding posts. But honestly I spend 20+ minutes every 3 hours on this task (not including burping or dealing with reflux issues), and it seems to be my life at the moment.  I'm still hoping that my posts will give new mom's of multiples an idea of what to expect.  Please let me know if these posts are helpful.

About Me

As my life moves forward into the unknown blessings of raising these two girls, I feel as if I'm losing and finding myself. Change is inevitable and change in circumstances is what grows us. Yet for a moment, let me remind myself who I am and introduce that person to you.

When I was fifteen my sister and I spontaneous raced to the van from a restaurant. I'm an endurance runner and my sister a sprinter. I had no chance at success, but I sure tried hard! At the end of the race, which she won, I fell and landed under the van. I had broken my wrist, and had done so by tripping over a speed bump.

I tell you that short story because it ultimately describes who I am.  I love spontaneity; the joy of doing something unexpected.

I'm more than just an endurance runner: I'm an endurance person.  I like slowness, perseverance, the working toward something good at a steady pace.  My character is to plod on slowly and intentionally.  And yet, my biggest temptation is to sprint.  To sprint against myself, but also to sprint against others and to compare myself to them. When I sprint, I am miserable.  I breath heavy in horrible puffs of self-doubt or worse: complaining.  When I sprint, I am broken like my wrist was broken; if I am soft-hearted that brokenness brings me back to my Creator.

And yet above all that, I am quirky.  Honestly, how many people are quirky enough to break their wrist on a speed bump, to host barbarian night with children where they eat with their hands, to turn cartwheels five months pregnant, or to enjoy romantic walks with her husband outside in summer thunderstorms?

Beauties

Breastfeeding Part 6: Unassisted!

Yesterday was a super big day for Aeralind: she took two meals without a nipple shield! This is a super accomplishment for the child who could barely manage to suck a meal out of a bottle her first week of life! We're finally getting there. She'll only do it though if she's super hungry and screaming. And I can only manage it on my right side because somehow latching her and balancing her sister on the tandem pillow is just beyond my capabilities at this moment. I'll keep trying.

Oh and yesterday was the first day where I nursed them for every single feeding in the 24 hour period! Derek and I had been bottle feeding them their 3 am feeding while I pumped simultaneously. Well, the tandem feed in the middle of the night actually took less time and was especially fun because Derek changed both the diapers while I got set up ;)

On the milk allergy/sensitivity front, today was a varied and yummy diet!

• Breakfast: Raisin Bran and Almond Milk. Almond milk is actually yummier than soy in my opinion.
  
• Lunch: Papa John's The Meats Pizza with no cheese. Neither their crust nor their sauce has any milk product in it. I was super excited to read this as Papa John's is my favorite pizza place (even though we hardly ever order out).
• Dinner: Salmon, sweet potato, and braised brussel sprouts.
• Dessert: Pumpkin and vegan chocolate chip cookies. Without butter, these cookies are very much like cake. I'm affectionately dubbing them "Cakies". Mmm...

So eating dairy-free isn't shaping up to be as bad as I feared, but the snacking in between meals is super hard. I made a bunch of muffins, but I really don't know what else to eat for snacks besides trail mixes, granola bars, and fruit. Please leave a comment with some suggestions if you can think of some!

Breastfeeding Part 5: Milk Allergy?

In my last post, I mentioned that the nurse had suggested that the girls might have a milk allergy. I had cried. Life without cheese and chocolate... is that life? Luckily for my sanity last week, the Dr. had suggested that it was probably just reflux. I was so worn down that I couldn't even consider life without milk!

Well, on Saturday the girls screamed and fussed and spit up volumes or didn't spit up at all after every single feeding. It was terribly perplexing. At their 6 pm feeding I took a mental note of what I had eaten that day. Here's a copy of that list:

• 2 cups of hot chocolate made with milk
• milk and cereal
• 2-3 pieces of string cheese
• pita pizzas for lunch
• a spur of the moment potato, egg, ham, and cheese casserole for dinner

Are you noticing the theme here? I overloaded the poor babes on milk and they were screaming about it.

Saturday evening I put myself on a milk elimination diet. No milk for two weeks. I pumped the 9pm feeding of the milk overload day and saved it to try on them after the milk is out of our systems. If they react adversely to that pumped feeding it's another month on the no milk diet before trying them on milk again.

I'll keep you posted on their reaction. But at least if I can't have cheese, Whole Foods makes Vegan chocolate chips!

2 Months

The girls turned two months old today! Since it was also Veteran's day, their Daddy was home all day. We celebrated by joining Marcie and her twins Zach and Alex on a few laps around the mall. Then we ate some Bourbon chicken with rice and green beans at the food court. That was their rather uneventful morning.

Their 2 month well check-up was at noon. Each girl received an oral rota-virus and FOUR shots in their little legs. I do have to congratulate the nurses who gave the shots: each girl received all of the shots and all four bandages in less that 15 seconds! The efficiency was utterly astounding! I nursed the girls afterward and then we packed up to leave.

We stopped by Whole Foods on the way home to pick up vegan chocolate chips (I'll explain in an upcoming post) and a few things for dinner that evening. On the way out we noticed their sorbets. To celebrate their birthday Derek had a mixed berry sorbet and I had a strawberry-pineapple. So good!

Exhausted from our day out, Derek and I crawled in bed for an hour nap. 20minutes later we were joined by both of the girls who were whimpering in their car seats. An hour after that I woke up to Aeralind freaking out for food. Bronwyn soon followed suit. But both little girls screamed and complained and were inconsolable their entire time nursing. I'm not even sure how they managed to eat!

Derek went out to grab the Infant Tylenol and we drugged the poor souls. We then wrapped them in their Moby Wraps to fix and eat dinner. They barely woke to nurse at 7:00 and have been in their crib asleep ever since. Poor dears! Besides this sad period between 4-7 the shots weren't nearly as hard as I had expected. Hopefully they'll be their normal selves tomorrow!

In my sleep deprived state it's hard to remember what has occurred in this last month! But I'll try to give you a milestone list nevertheless:

• The girls slept 7 straight hours one night! They haven't done it since, but I think they may do so tonight again after all their excitement.
• Both girls enjoy being held in a sitting position and attempting to hold up their heads. They can manage to do so for 15-30 seconds before needing a break.
• Tummy time is becoming quite entertaining! They'll lift up their heads and feet at the same time or do a repeated face plant that doesn't bother them.
• Bronwyn is becoming more aware of when she is being held. She loves to be held now and fusses if we lay her down after she's fallen asleep.
• Aeralind has officially been dubbed our "social baby." If she's aware of new voices or in a new place she will sit there wide eyed and watching. She's stayed up 3+ hours while Bronwyn slept peacefully.
• We've joined the impromptu "Under One Crowd" in our local Moms of Multiples group and are enjoying frequent Mom play dates with Marcie and Amber.
• I've been nursing them for every feeding except for the middle of the night feeding for two days now.
• Aeralind weighs an incredible 9lbs 5 oz and Bronwyn 9lbs 2oz. They're a pound and a few ounces short of doubling their birth weight in two months!
• Both girls prefer to be burped by Derek. In fact, I've told Derek they'll burp for him if he looks at them cross eyed and I promise you they have done so multiple times!
• They went to their first bonfire on a Sunday evening and enjoyed s'mores.
• They visited with Nana on her farm for their first Farm Days. The three of us girls fell in love with a three-legged orange cat; daddy...not so much...
• Their eyes are turning blue!
• It's becoming harder and harder to remember when we last had a good night of sleep.
  
• But mostly it's becoming harder and harder to imagine life without the gift of their presence.

Happy two month birthday, Aeralind and Bronwyn! I can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Vaccines

Oh My, How They've Grown!

I made these little outfits to bring the girls home in. They are 0-3 month sized and swallowed the girls when we brought them home.

Tomorrow is their two month birthday and look at them now!

Breastfeeding Twins Part 4: Reflux and Growth Spurts

The middle two weeks of October passed with very little difference in routine. I fed the girls from the breast 2-4 feedings a day and pumped the remainder.

Setting up to nurse tandem by myself is quite the adventure. First, I heat the breast shields. Next, I set up my pillow and nursing stool on the couch that I want to use for that feeding. Then, I go change the first baby and bring her back to the couch. I lay her on the couch and repeat with the second baby. Then I strap on the pillow and pick up the baby who is to eat off of my right side. I put her on the pillow as I sit down and scoop up the left side baby. Then, I apply the nipple shields while both babies scream in hunger while flailing around doing there best to dislodge the shields from my nipples. Then you latch one at a time while hoping the one who is screaming doesn't roll herself off. Whew! By the time that process is over and the girls are happily sucking away, don't be surprised to find me asleep while they eat!

The last week in October was not a happy one. Derek's sister had come up to visit and the girls were extremely fussy after each feeding. They were also spitting up quite a bunch. It seemed normal to me until I went to the Upstate Mother of Multiples Club Meeting Tuesday the 26th. Amber was feeding Aeralind and I was feeding Bronwyn expressed milk and the two of them practically spewed their entire bottles on both of us. Both burp cloths were soaked and every lady who held them was sporting spit up of some kind. They all encouraged me to call my pediatrician; that was not a normal amount of spit up!

So I called and told the pediatrician that their crib looked like a biochemical war zone with the amount of spit up. The nurse told me they probably had a milk protein allergy. I cried! Those 500 or so extra calories I'm eating a day are probably all composed of dairy. What was I going to eat?! I couldn't imagine breastfeeding and not getting to eat anything with milk in it.

Just in case it was something wrong with the digestive tracts of the girls the nurse told me to come in that afternoon. I was exhausted from their spit up the evening before, but I managed the trip alone. Dr. Woodleif took extra special care of me since this was the first time I had gone to her office alone and she could see how stretched I was. I told her that the girls ate heartily and then would start screaming. They would scream and then spit up. Pause a little while and then scream and spit up again. They knew what was coming. She asked me if the girls arched their backs before the spit and I replied that they did; it was like ready, aim, rush to get the burp cloth!

Dr. Woodleif diagnosed us with reflux and not a milk protein allergy! I'm giving my 8 week old twins Zantac three times a day which seems totally crazy to me. However, as they developed the reflux they had gone from sleeping six hours a night to sleeping 3 hours and then being up 30-90 minutes screaming and spitting. I needed sleep again! It's been about a week on the Zantac at this point and the difference is striking. We no longer need two burp cloths per baby at their night feedings. I am so glad that the problem was not one I was creating for the girls.

One of the other nightmares of breastfeeding twins are growth spurts. With one baby I'm sure that a growth spurt is incredibly exhausting since the baby wants to feed all the time. I think the physical exhaustion level is probably about the same for mom's of multiples, but there is an added level of anxious exhaustion. Twins, even my apparently identical ones, do not go through growth spurts at the same time. Perhaps this doubles the physical exhaustion, but worst of all it disrupts The Feeding Schedule.

As a twin mom who wants a few moments during the day in which to pursue non-twin related activities, The Feeding Schedule is extremely important. Now I'm not so strict as to make my babies scream it out because it hasn't been three or four hours yet. I pretty much feed on demand and hope they start stretching themselves to the four hours. But if one baby wakes hungry, then I wake the other baby to eat as well; if I didn't do this, I would be engaged in baby care 2 1/2 hours out of every three! Normally waking one because the other is hungry isn't an issue. The sleeping twin will greedily eat on the the hungry twin's cue. But during a growth spurt, one of the girls will want to feed almost twice as often as the other.

The Feeding Schedule for about six hours normally looks like this:

• Hour 1: Change and feed the girls.
• Hour 2: The girls play for maybe 30 minutes while I do housework nearby. Then, they start crying to be put to sleep.
• Hour 3: Girls sleep and I get to do what I want!
• Hour 4: Change and feed the girls.
• Hour 5: The girls play for maybe 30 minutes while I do housework nearby. Then, they start crying to be put to sleep.
• Hour 6: Girls sleep and I get to do what I want!

The Growth Spurt Feeding Schedule looks like this.

• Hour 1: Change and feed the girls.
• Hour 2: The girls play for maybe 30 minutes and I do housework nearby. They both sleep for about half an hour.
• Hour 3: Baby A wakes up screaming for food. I wake Baby B and attempt to feed them both. Baby B falls asleep at the breast.
  
• Hour 4: Starts with both girls asleep, but quickly Baby B will realize she is very hungry and will demand to eat.
• Hour 5: Baby B is awake playing, but is then put in bed to sleep. I panic about having enough time to make dinner and scourge up some canned soup.
• Hour 6: Baby A is begging to eat again, I am crying and freaking out about the potential of being woken up every hour in the middle of the night. I attempt to let her scream it out until B wakes up but I can't bear it for very long and attempt to make Baby B eat again.
• Baby A eats greedily and drifts off to sleep at the end of the feeding. Baby B refuses to eat or falls asleep at the nipple.

As you can see, my anxiety level increases drastically during a growth spurt. Add to that fears that the reason Baby A keeps waking is because you're not making enough milk and you can imagine just how many tears are flowing some days when my husband walks through the door. He tells me immediately to go to bed and somehow, almost magically, when he wakes me for the next feeding he has them eating at the same time. They are mesmerized by him. What woman wouldn't be mesmerized by such an amazing man?

This post sounds kind of drastically negative, but honestly most days now breastfeeding/pumping is more of a well oiled routine. I'm still using nipple shields and they are still growing. And best of all, I'm not having to buy expensive formula for two babies! Those savings mean that I can shop for more clothing that fits my new twin figure ;)

Sleep Deprivation Guest Post

I have a guest post today on the Multiples and More Blog Network. Hop on over there and check it out!

Breastfeeding Twins Part 3: An Incredible Surprise

So it was October 5th, the day of the St. Francis Breastfeeding Support Group. It was quite the morning. I fed them at 8ish and packed the diaper bag and pump. By 9ish I was putting them in their carseats. Then, I took them out to the car. My OB would have flipped. I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 8lbs... what doesn't hurt can't kill you, right? I got there really early; early enough to wonder why on earth I was going. I was certain I'd be the only mother there who would end up pumping. After loading up the Double Snap and Go and deciding that I would leave my Double Blessings pillow in the car, I got up the courage to go to room.

St. Francis's Breastfeeding Support Group is incredible. 2-3 lactation consultants were busy setting up scales and changing stations and supplying chairs with clean pillows. Addy, an elderly volunteer, was busy setting up quite a spread of food. Chicken salad sandwiches, a fruit bowl, cookies... I was drooling. One other woman was there early and she was busy feeding her 5 week old boy who was much larger than either of my girls.

I set up a little station for myself on the floor and pulled out the nipple shield. The other woman stared. I changed Bronwyn to rouse her and took her to the scale. She weighed 2952 grams (6lb 8oz!) I was really proud that she had gained so much weight. I sat down and latched her to the nipple shield. She sucked happily away and in fact continued to suck for her whole 15 minute time limit. I called one of the consultants over and asked her if I should stop her since that what was on our current feeding plan. She told me to just let her finish on her own.

Bronwyn and I finished and I took her over to the scaled to be weighed. Danielle was doing the weighing. Her finished weight was 3034 she had taken 82 grams (about 30z) which was exactly what was in her bottle at that time. Danielle gave me a giant high five as I held back tears of a different nature from my last visit to lactation.

I gave Bronwyn over to Addy, the elderly volunteer, who was more than happy to entertain her while I fed and weighed Aeralind. Aeralind took 26 grams when I fed her (1 oz). I was disappointed to say the least, but excited to eat some of the goodies on that table. Breastfeeding two makes me hungry and thirsty beyond belief! I munched on some stuff while holding Aeralind and since she hadn't taken her full 3 oz, I stuck her back on. I ate while she ate and when we were both finished she had taken a total of 86 grams (3oz!).

I received another high five from Danielle. I was in shock. They were eating off me! Of course, we were still using the nipple shield to facilitate latching, but they had taken an entire feeding straight from the source! I was given the go ahead to replace two bottle feedings with breastfeeding and to gradually increase. That was a day of celebration and surprise and one of the best in my story thus far!

Burrito Babies

Breastfeeing Twins Part 2: The Meltdown

After I started producing more than enough milk for the girls and both girls had excellent mouth positioning on the BreastFlow bottles, I was certain that it would only be a matter of days before they'd transition back to the breast. At each feeding from the time we left the hospital on Monday until Saturday, I tried both girls on the breast for five minutes as I had been instructed. They would lick me if we could manage to keep them awake, but that could hardly be called success. I was doing everything that I had been instructed to do, why couldn't we get this breastfeeding thing to work?!

At just about all of the night feedings Saturday night/Sunday morning, I cried in sleep deprivation and helplessness. I had been so strong in feeding them formula in the beginning, but they were a week old now. I just knew they should be latching! Surely there was something wrong with me that I couldn't feed my girls from the source of their food. I was frustrated. Frustrated that I was "failing" at breastfeeding. Frustrated that I had to pump after every feeding; my arm muscles were killing me from holding those breast shields against my chest for so long. Most of all I was frustrated and terribly jealous that my sweet and helpful husband could go back to bed after feeding the girls while I had to pump for 15 minutes after he started snoring!!

I called that morning at 9 am to make an appointment with lactation at 12. Linda, the lactation consultant on duty that day, asked me how old they were in gestational weeks; I replied 37 and 4 days. She didn't seem hopeful or encouraging after that comment, but she agreed to see us.

Derek and I loaded up the Double Snap and Go. Babies, diaper bag, expressed breast milk bottles, and my best friend: the breast pump. Safely in the lactation office we started with Bronwyn since she was the better sucker at the hospital. We stripped the little lady to wake her, weighed her, and agreed to feed football hold so Linda could help Bronwyn latch easier. It was the same as usual: no luck. We didn't even finish the feed and weigh. It was obvious that she was unable to get anything. I held back tears.

Linda took Bronwyn and evaluated her sucking and said that I would be lucky to get her to successfully nurse by two months. At that point, she passed me a tissue. I needed it.

Next came Aeralind, but Linda held out little hope for her. It was much the same story. Knowing how distraught I was, she unwrapped two sizes of nipple shields. One fit me better and the other fit their tiny mouths better. We tried again. No luck. Nipple shields are nice because they simulated the bottle nipple that the girls were used to and made latching easier, but at the same time the girls had to be strong enough to suck the milk out of the silicone. Aeralind was not strong enough. Linda handed me some more tissues and gave me an encouraging I'm-proud-of-you type pep talk. She reevaluated our feeding plan that Danielle had made for us and changed it to try the girls at the breast once a day. In a strange way I was relieved, but still I was disappointed.

I wiped my eyes again. Derek started bottle feeding Bronwyn, Linda took Aeralind, and I made out with the breast pump as usual.

The next day I went out and purchased a Easy Expression Hands Free Pumping Bra. For me, that was a turning point. First, with the purchase I admitted that I would be pumping for a long time. Second, I was able to start feeding one of the twins at the same time as I pumped. That allowed me to get a whole extra hour of sleep every night! Not listening to Derek snore while I pumped made me that much less prone to a meltdown.

Over the course of the next two weeks I met my first obstacle to expressing breast milk successfully: the dreaded plugged duct. Apparently a pumping mother is much more prone to these than a nursing mother. For me the plugged duct presented with no pain. I just noticed a very hard spot in the left breast. Thinking that was odd, I read the little pamphlet the hospital sent home on the first two months breastfeeding and diagnosed myself. I applied a heating pad and massaged the heck out of the lump: 2 such sessions later it was gone. Getting rid of the plugged duct hurt much more than the plugged duct itself hurt.

I had two more plugged ducts on that side during those two weeks. The last was the worst. The heating pad and massaging in a hot shower did nothing but actually make the plugged duct hurt. I ended up massaging like crazy with my breast in a bowl of hot water. Finally, the plug surfaced but that side has never recovered on the milk supply front.

Week 3 ended with me solely expressing and my last week of full time helpers. I looked forward to Week 4 with apprehension about being alone for the first time. I knew I could not stay in the house alone for the whole week, so I planned one solo outing for that week. A trip to St. Francis's Breastfeeding Support Group....

Breastfeeding Twins Part 1: a Tale from the Trenches

I've come across a startling lack of frank information on breastfeeding twins. Sure there's a bunch of theory-based information (one of the best being Mothering Multiples by Karen Kerkhoff Gromada), but I have not found many tales from the trenches.

I've spent two weeks backpacking, a week kayaking the coast, I've trained for rock climbing competitions, run over a 10 miles, and I graduated college with a 3.9 GPA. But quite frankly, breastfeeding these two is the hardest thing I've ever done. This is my tale from the trenches almost 8 weeks in. I hope it will benefit others.

Aeralind and Bronwyn were born healthy at 36 weeks and 2 days. Neither required a NICU stay and both tiny 5lb babies rode in my bed with me to my room. I was beyond ecstatic that they were with me and, despite being in recovery for massive surgery, I attempted my first breast feeding about 1 hour after their birth. I'd read all the good books and even taken a class at the hospital. I knew exactly how to position them and how to make a "nipple sandwich" to stick in their little mouths. Aeralind was super eager and so I got her on (or so I thought) and then a little while later Bronwyn had her chance. The nurse took their blood sugar three different times that night and each time they "passed". A few hours after that first feed, I had Derek help me get them tandem feeding. I felt wonderful feeding those little girls and so proud of my body. I thought I totally had everything under control.

The next morning I met Danielle the sweetest and sassiest lactation consultant at St. Francis. She was totally impressed with how well I could position them, but she was far less than impressed with the girls' ability to latch. After several tries to get a better mouth positioning for the girls, she evaluated their sucking. Let's just say their sucking... well, sucked. They had almost no suction power, their little tongues were all over the place, and Aeralind practically had to have her tongue pried off of the roof of her mouth just for Danielle to stick her finger in there. All was not well as I had assumed.

Danielle spearheaded our plan of attack. She immediately wheeled in my new best friend: the Breast Pump. I was to pump for 15 minutes every 3 hours (or every time we fed the girls). My first pumping produced about 4 cc of colostrum. Next Danielle whipped out the formula (GASP!). We couldn't let them starve just because they couldn't manage to latch and suck. With two curved tip syringes, Danielle halved the colostrum and sucked up enough formula to make 15 cc (1/2 an oz). She taught my husband and I to put our fingers in the girls mouths upside down, while simultaneously using the other hand to press the formula mix into the girl's mouth.

I was excited that the girls were being properly fed, but I was disheartened and utterly exhausted from feeding them the night before and having my vitals being taken every time I fell asleep. Danielle put a sign on my door that no one was to disturb me and she urged us to let the nursery take and feed the babies that night. That was my last good night of sleep.

I attempted to latch the girls all of the following day (Sunday) and upon their failure to succeed each time, we fed them whatever colostrum I had pumped mixed with formula in a syringe. At 3 am that Monday morning I awoke and could feel my breasts doubling in size by the minute; my milk was coming in.

On Monday we were to be released from the hospital; Danielle had mentioned that she would prefer if we went home feeding them from a breast or a bottle rather than the syringes. Jennie was the lactation consultant on duty of that day. She was also the woman who had taught the breastfeeding class we had attended. Jennie was so tenderhearted and kind as she helped me mourn my hopes of having them on the breast before we went home; the girls were just not ready. Derek brought our bottles from home before we were discharged. I had registered for the BreastFlow bottles from First Years and Jennie was pretty impressed with the way the bottles made the girls open their mouths wide. We went home prepared to bottle feed.

The girls had to be woken every 3 hours to be fed. Preemies sleep all the time. Derek and I literally had to set the alarm clock to wake us up in order to feed them. It was pure torture. Then we had to strip the girls naked to wake them and if all else failed we had to place a cold wet wash cloth on their tummies just to rouse them enough to eat! At one of the middle of the night feedings Aeralind just could not manage to suck out of the BreastFlow bottle. Since it mimicked the difficulty of getting milk from a breast, she was having a hard time managing to get the milk out. We had to syringe feed her the rest of her meal.

At the pumping session following that crazy feeding, I suddenly filled both 2 oz jars I had been pumping into. That was the last feeding where the girls received formula. Finally! More than enough milk for each baby! After that I was pumping up to 6 oz per feeding and freezing away milk like crazy. Once again, I was encouraged that I would be able to do this and I was sure the girls would latch on at any moment now that all that good stuff was flowing.

All this occurred before the sun set on Aeralind and Bronwyn's fourth day of life.